that I am a very terrible friend. I like to kid myself into thinking that I care so much and that I stand up for them and help them out and yet those of you here who still bother to watch me are some of my closest friends in the world and look how I treat you. Obviously, I have a billion different excuses to give, and I've used most of them, so the truth is that I am simply lazy and a bad friend. Easy as that. I could very well get online and update things more often but for some reason being on deviantArt anymore just kind of stresses me out. I think it just kind of reminds me of the two summers I spent online all day and it kind of reminds me of the time when all my irl friends were being jerks and I never got invited anywhere and since this was my safe place I kind of feel like I don't need it anymore because me and my irl friends are doing better than ever. I feel like being on deviantArt kind of makes me revert back into scared, sad little 12 year old me. But again with the excuses. I just want you all to realize that truly, you are my friends. Sometimes I'll be sitting in class and my mind will wander and I just imagine meeting you all, or wonder what time it is where you all are. It's weird, I know, but also kind of comforting in a way. And I think that's why I always feel so conflicted when it comes to dA. Because I feel like I owe it to you guys (if you even care) to get on and be social and keep you all updated, but at the same time, the website itself just kind of freaks me out. I would totally be pen pals with all of you if I could, but I'm pretty sure my mom wouldn't be fond of the idea of me giving away my address online. I would do it if I thought I could get to the mail first everyday, but usually I don't, so I'm stuck with dA or nothing. So anyway, I can tell you all the truth about how I've been, or I can tell you I've been fine, but either way I'll feel guilty and kind of shitty because I doubt anyone really cares anymore anyway. There are good days and there are bad days. I don't know what else to say. I can be just fine and then all of a sudden want to kill everything within a 20 mile radius with no provocation. I don't know if there's anything wrong with me or if it's just being an above average intelligence teenager surrounded by idiots. Whatever the case, I just wish it would stop. I want to be able to enjoy a day all the way through, or to just not be expected to be as much as I am.
In other news, I haven't exactly been feeling particularly inspired as of late. I've pretty much stopped drawing entirely. Nothing ever comes out the way I want it to, and after the third time I threw my sketchbook across the room, I've just kind of left it. I haven't touched a camera in almost a year. Everyone says I'm so talented, I have such an eye for photography, and yet, nothing has seemed photo-worthy in a long time. I guess I've lost my touch. It was probably just a phase. I can only write poetry when a poem asks to be written. I can't just sit down and try to write one. It never works. They used to come to me late at night, when I felt so alone, almost asleep, but just awake enough to be driven crazy by all the words flowing together. Now they don't come at all. Whatever creativity I had has just kind of slowly bled out of me. I don't know if it was society draining it out, conforming me to be a product of their proper world, or if it was me doing it to myself, but either way, I think it's gone. I don't feel artistic at all anymore, aside from the random things I sketch as I completely ignore my teachers. I just don't understand how you can go from something, to nothing at all. I guess that's life though. Continue to be wonderful, my loves. I'll step back and continue to hide in the shadow that is my life.
~<3 Ally ~